Emmett's Sex ed
by Briar Rose Lockhart
Summary: 'I need to know what to expect when me and Bella consummate our marriage' I look at him for a second. Then I very maturely ask him: 'What does consumate mean'
1. Emeregncy for Emmett

**Emmett and Edward's moment of awkwardness and bromance**

Ems POV

So this is how the story started. My Little brother Edward comes to me (well technically he's my older brother since he's been a vampire longer than I have, but I was 20 when I became a vampire so ha! I still pwn him!) But anyway back to my chaotic and kooky tale. I'm working out in the family garage, the underground part 'cause the top is for all our vehicles. Including my baby. My big red Jeep. I love that beauty as much as I do Rosalie. _Well except I can't have sex with a Jeep. In it, on it, and around it but not with it. __**Believe me I would**_**.** and I'm doing my normal work out of 600 bench presses with a 500lb. weight.

And I've got my tunes goin' and everything. I thought for sure I was home alone after Carlisle told me everyone was going on a hunting trip without me since I had myself a Grizzly this morning. And I'm pumping iron jammin' to Theory of a Dead man's ''Bad Girlfriend'' _it's a great song for sex and working out! Course sex is a workout but that's beyond the point_.

And so then I see Edward bebop into the garage with a stressed look on his face. I thought to myself_ Oh crap Edo's having second thoughts about this whole wedding. Why_ _can't anyone else be home when Edward wants' to talk about feelings and Bella and his love triangle problems. I can tell you right now me and Rose wouldn't be having any love triangle problems__**. Nobody better be after my woman or I'll go Grizzly on a Vamp ass! **__And come to think of it…Rose don't like talking about feelings either. Since she goes around pissy most of the time. Don't get me wrong I like my baby feisty but she's dern straight scary when she's mad._

Edward stands behind me looking at his feet with the same look all except for now he has a slight blush. Which perks my interest. ''Uh, hey. Emmett? Can I ask you something?'' I smirk and have a funny answer. ''No Edward, I will not be your baby fada.'' I laugh a little bit until he whines at me then I put down the weights I've been pumping for about three hours now _**wow new record! 1000! Go Emmett! Power of the Grizzly!**_

Then I sit up on my bench and pat my hand where I want him to sit. He complies and sits down with a sigh. I place my big sweaty muscular arm around his shoulder ''Now that I'm done tell me what's up little brother. You look like you're having second thoughts about your wedding. Did you and Bell's have a spat?'' He looks at my funny. ''No. No! God no! Th-That's not it at all. It's just well.'' Now he puts his head in his hands which look really sore for some reason. I don't wanna know. We sit there for a good 10 minutes then finally I've had it. ''Well Ed, I know we live forever. But I've always been real awful impatient so obviously it's not that important. Imma' go watch the Steelers game now so see ya!''

''**No! Emmett please!''** He begs while grabbing my shirt. '**'I need your help! I can't ask Carlisle because it's to awkward and Jasper would tell Alice and then shell give me hell and I just really need your guidance right now!''** _**If he's coming out of the closet so help me God.**_''Alright then. Just go ahead and tell me then. Wait! This isn't about'' I cringed ''feelings is it? Cause you know more than anybody in this whole family I'm the perv of the family. Okay. Just cause I can be a teddy bear at times I don't like feelings talks. **Capish?**'' so he nods and takes a deep breath then looks me dead in the eye.

''**I.''** I nod. **''Can't.''** I nod again with an impatient look. **''Do this! It's to embarrassing!''** I turn around. ''Okay then! See ya Edo.'' ''No Emmett I need you!'' This is the part where I'm starting to get grumpy. ''Spit it out Edward! **Damn!**'' Edward gets a determined look on his face but he's still blushing. _**Wait a sec! We aren't supposed to be able to blush! Bella's turned my brother into a wussy! WTF?!?**_ **''I need to know what to expect when me and Bella consummate our marriage!!!''** He screams out of nowhere. It was funny because his voice echoed throughout the garage. I look at him for a second.

Then I very maturely ask him: **''What does consummate mean?''** Then he had the nerve to look at me like I'm some kind of dumbass. Edward could be real mean sometimes he really could. ''Emmett….how do you of all people not know what consummate means? I mean you and Rose are like sex junkies or something.'' He said in disbelief. Then the light bulb turned on in my head. **''Oh you mean sex! Dern Edo why didn't you just say so? I know ALL about that!''** I said laughing at my pitiful younger brother. Well _technically older but he felt to me like a little brother. He was so pure and innocent and decent. How could I not want to mess that up?_ He wasn't happy.

He looked like he was gonna cry if it were possible for a vampire to cry. **''Forget it! I'm sure I can find a book on it! Thanks a lot Emmett!''** he said turning around to storm off. Which he couldn't because I grabbed him in a chokehold preventing his escape so he could go sulk in his room. '**'Now Edward you know I love you!** And therefore I'm gonna help you. Because I'd hate to have to hear Rose talk about Bella telling her that she had to be the man in the bedroom on your honeymoon.''

I told him plain and simple giving him a wet peck on his temple, which he wiped off. ''So **sit down**.'' I threw him at the marble counter of the garage, which broke just a bit on the impact of his butt. **''Shut up.''** I sped over to him. ''And listen to what the sex guru has to tell you. And feel free to ask questions. But do realize I will more than likely laugh at them so be prepared for that.'' I snickered and he pouted so I gave him a playful slap on the arm that shoved him 8 feet away from where I had originally thrown him. I sat down on the counter and popped my neck then sat Indian style facing him.

''Okay then. So you wanna know how to do the deed.'' **''Stop!''** he screeched. _**What?**_''What's your dealio Eddy? You want my help or not?'' I asked him slightly huffy. ''Look Emmett. I know you and Rose are happily married and have a very strong, passionate, sex life.'' He whined. ''Aw gee thanks! You really think so? I mean it's a two way thing but personally I think Rose is the one who can't go 42 hours without some attention from papa bear.'' I boasted. **''Emmett McCarty Cullen!''** he screamed. '**'What?** Pardon me for enjoying one of life's most wonderful gifts. You'll probably be the same once you finally 'take the plunge'. Seriously though. I'm sure glad you met Bell's cause quite frankly, you being the only virgin in the house got really pathetic.** My little brother's gonna finally get laid! I'm so proud!'' **I wrapped him up in a bear hug. Then I felt an awful pain in my shoulder. I looked to see Edward knawing on it.

_Oh. __**HALE NAW!!**_Then I drop kicked him in the junk while growling at him. **''What the hell Ed?!''** he then proceeded to get up in my bidness. **''Look. This is serious dammit! I love Bella more than life itself. And I would absolutely die if I ever hurt her. There fore I'm asking your help about this so I can officially claim her as my wife, without killing her. I wanted nothing more than to turn her before we did the most sacred act of making love but she chose otherwise and there are just some things I simply cannot argue with her about. I want to know how to do this and not kill her in the process. And how to control myself. And not destroy one of my mother's favorite houses.'' **

He was scaring me at this point. **''This is not some one night stand and she is not some common whore! She is my fiancé and the love of my eternal life! And I will treat her with every bit of care and respect in my being. Because this will make her happy and so long as she's happy so am I. And if you want to deny me that happiness then there shall be one less member of my family standing next to me at the altar. Is that clear?''**

_No need to have an aneurism Edward __**damn**__. _''Okay. Relax. I know how much this means to you.'' I said trying to soothe him. **''No you do not! If you did then you wouldn't use all these vulgar terms and pick on me. And another thing excuse me for saving myself for my other half! I wasn't lucky like you and got to marry the one I loved 3 months after I met her like you and Rose. And Rose was a vampire then so you didn't have to take the precautions I'll have to take and be as careful as I'll have to be.'' **_**Aha! So you are jealous in some shape or form! Bwahahaha!**_

I gave him a serious look and took a long breath, which I didn't need. ''Okay Edward. Playtimes over let's get down to business. Are you done venting now?'' I asked tenderly placing my hand on his shoulder. ''Yes I believe I'm done.'' ''Well alrighty then. Let's get it started!'' We plopped down on the couch in the living room. ''Okay. So you wanna know everything there is to know about doing the-'' **''Emmett!''** ''Having sex.'' ''That's better.'' I sighed. ''Well first off the first few times is kinda awkward but **very**…what's the word I'm looking for….hmmm.'' I pondered for a minute. ''Exhilarating? Amazing? Mind blowing? Um…I don't know.''

He was trying to help he really was. ''Well think like when you fly solo but amp that like **1000 **times **better!** Actually its **toads better** than solo.'' I laughed. But noticed he wasn't laughing. I thought for sure he'd agree. ''What do you mean by flying solo?'' _**Oh. My. God. Edward! You're a disgrace to virgins everywhere**__! _I busted out laughing. Thinking he was joking. ''You know wanking?'' **Silence**. ''Floggin your log?'' **More silence.** ''Masturbating?''

He looked repulsed. **''Ew! That's wrong! Emmett! How can one commit such a carnally sinful act? And who comes up with all these disgusting terms?''** He squirmed. My jaw dropped in disbelief. ''Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! **Whoa! Whoa!** **You** mean to tell **me** that **you**. **Edward Anthony Masen Cullen**. In all the **76 years** you've been alive well sort of. That you have never ever masturbated in any way shape or form?'' I asked.

''Yes that is true. I felt no desire to do so. I have never loved anybody before Bella. Therefore I've never had anyone to desire after and get me all hot and bothered. I was to convinced I was a monster to care about sexual needs.''

He said calmly but with a slightly flustered expression. It all made sense then. Why he was always such an emo kid. Why he was so stressed and tense. **''Oh! Poor Edward! C'mere buddy! I'll never make fun of you again! For you are far stronger than I! Being able to go that long! And not even doing it yourself! You are the sheer God of abstinence and purity!''** I held him in the tightest bear hug I could manage.

He pounded my back signaling me to release my vice grip. ''Okay now Edward. There's something you need to know.'' I said holding his hands. **''Holy merciful goodness your gay!''** he shrieked. It was then that Jasper walked in and froze after hearing the word gay. He looked at Edward and then stared at me. Then hung his head and said ''I feel sorry for whomever your humping Emm. You could **kill **somebody! **Break their back**. Not to mention the internal damage. I mean **jeez**. Your freakin **ginormous**! Stay straight! If anymore gays go missing in Forks people will start getting suspicious!''

He said plopping on the couch beside me. **''I. Am. Not. Gay! Rose would rip it off! What you talking bout?** Jeez Jaz **quit starting shit**. And besides this is serious we need to teach Edward about sex.'' Jasper sighed. Then made the 'stick in the hole' motion with his hands. ''It's that simple.'' I then had to hold back Edward so the children didn't smack each other. ''Quit screwing around guys! And I have something important to say!''

''**WHAT?!''** They screamed in unison. ''That's all the time we have for this chapter!''


	2. Jasper the Jester

JPOV

I walked into the house removing my bloody boots. I don't know what was more upsetting, the damage of my brand new very expensive cowboy boots, or the fact that I had wasted food. The cougar was far more difficult to deal with than I was expecting. But aren't all cougars? I chuckled at my own dark humor. But hey, when you live through a war and live for many years after in a decaying world full of many more wars, it was hard not to grow dark. I became my darkest during the period that I was under the control of Maria. I did terrible things because of that undead harlot. Those thoughts disgusted me. Every kill, every bite, every time I succumbed to her in every meaning of the word. How she utterly used me to do her dreadful bidding. I loathed and despised her with every fiber of my existence. I knew at some point in my eternal life that I would cross her blood stained path again. And when I did, I would repay her back for what she had done to me. Or at least that was how I used to think.

For now I had my Alice. My love, my life, my all. I loved her more than any feeble word good old Webster could come up with. From the instant I walked into that diner on that fateful day, it was love. Divine, unmistakable, unbreakable, unstoppable, irreplaceable, love. I set eyes upon her glorious dainty form as she stared me down from the counter where she was seated. She was the only person with not a morsel before her. Her smell was unlike any human in there. Her skin was the only one that wasn't a healthy glow. Her eyes were the final giveaway. She was like me. She just smiled at me and waved me over to sit with her. I could not deny such an invitation and gladly accepted. I tipped my hat to her and sat down at the barstool next to her.

She smiled even wider at me and I watched a twinkle in her eye as she spoke ''You have kept me waiting for a very long time Mr. Whitlock. I've expected you to come meet me for ages now." In that moment I knew of nothing else but her. She became my world in a matter of seconds. I grinned my southern gentleman smile and used my best drawl I could muster ''Well I do declare my fair lady, I do beg your sweet pardon for such a misdeed.'' Happiness was present ever after. For years we roamed the vast world together and enjoyed one another as we intended to do for forever. Not long after we met up with the Cullen clan, being their last children to join the family. I was happy. I still was. The happiest I had ever been. Not to say my human life hadn't been a joy. But what with my birth Mama dyin on me and my little sister. My Pa and my brother and I all went off to war. People whom I could barely remember but refused to completely forget. had been a massive blessing in looking up my family's history. But at the same token it just didn't feel the same as say, finding a diary of mine from my past life. I knew I'd kept one from when I was in the war. I don't know what ever became of it.

As I walked into our gorgeous living room I overheard something that I would never forget. **''Holy merciful goodness your gay!'' **were the words that escaped my youngest brothers mouth. My mind was officially blown. I knew that in my many years of being in this family, that sometimes we Cullens got bored. This boredom, often lead to some very interesting escapades. Some of which included homosexuality. Stuff happens. You try being a vampire for forever. Forever can be very boring if you don't mix it up sometimes. But meanwhile back at the farm! I had no clue what was going on in this moment, and I wasn't quite sure that I wanted to know. I looked at Edward and then I stared at Emmett. After that I hung my head and sighed with breath that I didn't need. ''I feel sorry for whomever your humping Emm. You could **kill **somebody! **Break their back**. Not to mention the internal damage. I mean **jeez**. Your freakin **ginormous**! Stay straight! If anymore gays go missing in Forks people will start getting suspicious!''

I plopped onto the couch next to them, in order to discuss this matter and to understand just what in the 14 layers of Hell was going on here. Emmett glared at me with the animosity matching only that of a grizzly bear **''I. Am. Not. Gay! Rose would rip it off! What you talking bout?** Jeez Jaz **quit starting shit**. And besides this is serious we need to teach Edward about sex.'' He went from pissed as the devil to being focused on intercourse. Boy had worse mood swings than a 13 year old girl. It was then that I sighed again. I then made the 'stick in the hole' motion with my hands, in order to tease Edward. I mean really now. In all of the years that we have lived on this earth, sort of, you would think that Edward would have paid attention to what nearly the entire world was obsessed with. ''It's that simple.'' I chuckled furiously at him.

He didn't find it as harmless a comment as it was meant to be. He lunged toward me much like the cougar had earlier. Emmett intercepted this motion and held us both at his arm's length. Which was wise because I was about to smack the taste out of his mouth. ''Quit screwing around guys! This is serious business now! This poor fool is about to get married for forever to the only girl in the world who has less mood swings than him and he doesn't know how to lay man! This is of dire importance!'' Emmett protested with fury. I couldn't help but scoff at the mood swing joke. Edward slapped Emmett's face with the force of a Jersey housewife. Emmett snapped. They proceeded to growl and snarl and argue and bicker. I prayed they wouldn't break anything in the house while Esme was gone. She had just redecorated and she would not be pleased to come home to damaged furniture.

I took the opportunity to get off of the coach and head over to the stereo over our state of the art flat screen. I searcher our vast music collection in pursuit of one artist in particular. This particular song was stuck in my head and it seemed to be a good song for this moment. Cobie Calliet, um no. Chris Brown, what the Hell is that trash doing in here? I tossed it across the room smashing it into smithereens. The cd went right past Emmett's head yet he gave no mind as he placed Edward in a headlock and they continued their screaming match. ''Meat head!" "Pansy!" "Neanderthal!" "Prude!" See what I mean? These bozos are my brothers. I finally found what it was I was looking for. I popped my prize out of its case and placed it in the stereo and pressed play. I turned the dial and then turned around to face my brothers.

Edward's reaction was of confusion, as was Emmett's until he realized what it was he was hearing. At that realization his eyes light up and he tossed Edward down and strode over to me. We bumped fists and I began to sing. ''Tuxedo waiters, black ties, white table cloths, and red wine.'' Emmett sang along ''We've been planning this night, lookin forward to it, for some time.'' ''Now honey I know you love getting dressed up.'' ''And you know I love showin you off.'' ''But watchin your baby blues eyes.'' ''Dancin in the candle light gloooow.'' We grinned devilishly at Edward and then at each other as we sang in unison ''All I can think about, is getting you home!" I felt a wave of sheer embarrassment come off of my brother as he darted out the door. _No sir! _We lunged for him and threw him back onto the couch which we heard break upon impact. _Ah shit_. ''Now see there Eddie, that wouldn't have happened had you not been dumb and tried to leave. Now we have to buy Esme a new couch!" I grumbled in frustration. I thought it was quite ungrateful of him to leave when he was about to learn a valuable lesson in sexual education.

''Or! He can just throw his celibacy out the window, call Bella over, throw her on this couch, and break it for real! Make us proud Ed! I'll go get your cell!" Emmett screeched with joy as he bolted up the stairs. Edward radiated pure unadulterated fury off of him. ''I explained this to you earlier Emmett! And if you touch my phone I will-'' ''You'll what Masen? Read my mind? Go head! I'll just imagine Rosie!'' Edward grabbed Emmett and slammed him down from the top of the stairs to the couch underneath us. This time the couch severed completely in half. Feathers flew everywhere, and wood splattered the area. I was about to scream with enough force to wake the dead when I noticed something protruding from underneath the couch. A worn out old antique looking book. _Oh. My. Good. God._ ''Dear Mary mother of lil baby Jesus! We finally found it!'' I exclaimed with jubilancy, I think I even jumped for joy. Emmett looked at my quizzically until he looked at what I was ogling. ''Hells yes! After years of searching we finally found it Jasper! It's like Christmas and Super Bowl fused together!'' He and I bumped chests and fists and did our famous touchdown dance.

''Just what is it that you two are having such an aneurism about now?" Edward whined since he never was one for our brotherly tomfoolery. ''Edward, we have found the exact perfect thing for you to use for such an occasion. But first, we must go to the Cullen Man Cave, so that we may fully appreciate this amazing artifact for all that it is.'' I stated as I lifted the couch to retrieve the sacred piece. Emmett and I tag team grabbed Edward and zoomed off to the west wing of the house where our deluxe man cave was. It was our haven. Each man of the house had his own section, except for the TV area which was a combination of us all. Every action movie, adult comedy, thriller, and whatever category you would place American Pie in, was in our shelves. I pranced over to the very bottom shelf and pried open the lock with great success. Jackpot. In front of us was every grade a adult entertainment DVD known to us. Edward was appalled at this but before he could protest we silenced him. ''It is for the greater good! Trust us Edward. We have both lived two lives, and have both been married for many years. We know exactly what we are doing in the sack.'' I boasted with pride.

''And the Jeep, and the bathroom, kitchen, living room, laundry room, hallway, beach, nearly every surface known to man.'' Emmett grinned like a goat eating briars. Edward sighed with defeat, ''Alright already! Let's just get this over with! Now what is it that you have found that is just so epically astounding? What is it like Kama Sutra or something?" ''No. It's not. Edward, the creator of Kama Sutra would bow down to the creator of this book.'' I stated simply. ''It's a book…really?'' Edward winced and gave us that old constipated look he always seemed to have. ''Don't you dare speak of it like that! Apologize foolish virgin! Beg forgiveness! Do it! NOW!'' Emmett roared with absolute seriousness. ''Alright! I'm sorry! Now seriously what is this thing?'' he pleaded with all that was left of him. ''Behold brother Edward, before you, in my calloused hands, is the one, the only, the book, the myth, the legend, The Cullen Sex Bible.''


End file.
